My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She's the barista slut.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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