I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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