My underwear smells like fireworks.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
