Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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