He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
