Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
