If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
