And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
