mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
