To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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