Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
