Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
