I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
