I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
