I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
