The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
