The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
