you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
