I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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