Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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