Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
