Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
