Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
