Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Randomize
