normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
