I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
