Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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