You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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