Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize