I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
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my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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