FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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