I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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