i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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