oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
