I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
