It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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