My friends, they love my intelligence
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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