This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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