My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
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