we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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