a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
