Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
