so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
