I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
