There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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