i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
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