also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's never too late to be topless.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
