It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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