Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
