lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
