I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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