just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
