so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
