if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
