i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
