took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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