the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
