Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
