meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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